“Stay in your lane!” – Anger and Our Confident Stance

Do you find yourself yelling at the other cars on the road when you drive? Do you often get upset when people do or say things that they “have no right” to be saying? Is your kettle closer to a boil than a simmer here recently?

All these feelings seem so common place out there these days it seems amazing to me that physical violence isn’t popping off more than it actually is.

Here’s is a big question;

Do you think anger is a helpful or a harmful response to the average circumstance or interaction?

When we stop and think about it logically, anger seems one of the most senseless responses to the level of stimuli most of us encounter regularly, so why is it taking over our headspace?

It would great to actually hear what you guys think on this one;

As with the contrast or brightness adjustment on your television, our lives have a scale on which we interact with it, in terms of fearful/hate/anger and our loving/trusting/forgiving sense of self, which I have coined the term as;

The Fear/Love Slider

black crt tv showing gray screenJust like when you adjust the contrast or brightness too high you lose all sense of what is happening because it goes to white out conditions, or conversely, adjust it down and the same thing happens but darkness is the result.

So too we all live our lives in a state of flux, constantly adjusting our contrast between fear and love (e.g. Ego or Soul, Mistrust or Trust, Chaos or Order) we cannot eliminate either from our lives without full loss of the world as we know it.

This principle is reflected perfectly in many states of matter, nature, and what we all know as “reality”. For many scientists this conundrum still seems to be rather “unsolvable” as they attempt to separate things like the observer and the observed (but that’s for a different post entirely).

What I want to talk with you about today is how anger is the response we don’t usually witness from those individuals we usually classify as “confident”.

Have you ever given thought to this fact and maybe the truth that lies behind it?

The reason I choose the quote in the title; “Stay in your lane!” is actually more about this fact and less about road rage.

When we have our “slider” set mostly to fear it manifests itself in controlling and manipulative ways.

This factor is due to our ego’s need to defend against fear by placing “boundaries” and thereby establishing conditions in our lives with a feeling of “permanence”.

Right off the bat you can start to hear the insanity with this concept because (since theoretically you’re actually reading this versus having your mom or dad read it to you) we all grow up, change, and are living expressions of the impermanence of all things.

That said, anger exposes our fears and feelings of lack, as based on the ever-dissolving world around us, when we are unwillingly reminded of our insanity from people or things “acting up” or outside of our predetermined idea of “perfectly-permanent”.

If you’ll recall from my first post about confidence, true confidence comes from self-love and self-acceptance, these traits arise when we start to accept things as they really are (i.e. shifting and ever evolving, just like we are).

Thus confident people don’t really operate in “lanes”.

They don’t need the security and comfort of asserting that; when I move forward, you’ll be “there” and I’ll be “here”; otherwise we’re far too likely to end up “dead” than I’m comfortable with.

Side note: This is purely metaphorical, of course lanes make driving doable because let’s face it, who is REALLY confident at driving? … hmm, maybe that’s why NASCAR is appealing? It’s still too loud for me though…anyway.

It sounds ludicrous that we may actually “need” others to be particularly affiliated with a political party or religious viewpoint or even require people see “the brilliance of The Beatles” lest we feel a real sense everything will spin out of control and somehow lead to our death.

However, this is exactly what our egos all make us believe when you see or feel anger boil up like that in an everyday-life scenario.

That said, we also seem to have an innate sense when others “need” us to fulfill a particular “role” to be in their life.

When a person we care about lays out “our lane” for us to “stay in” we usually begin to lessen the time we actively spend in their company, unless we otherwise feel “obligated” to do so (i.e. we need them to fill some “role” in our life; see my previous post on True Love).

When we don’t feel confident or we somehow tailor our persona around people to “make them happy” we give off a sense that we aren’t comfortable with them being who they really are.

controlling-womenIt may be hard for some to hear (or identify with), but ask yourself, do you ever catch yourself telling people;

  • “That’s not the [insert person’s name] I remember”
  • “You used to be so much more [insert trait expected or required for us to feel safe]”, or asking;
  • “Why can’t you just [insert desired action or role we need them to perform]?!?”.

It can be tough when we first start to come to terms with how controlling we are, or have been, but please don’t judge yourself too harshly.

Simply knowing what it looks and sounds like, and more importantly, what others look like when they come at us, allows us to maybe back our foot off the gas pedal a bit (and maybe just maybe; be a few minutes late to work ….when someone cuts us off and then goes 5MPH under the speed limit).

Even better than that, it allows us to have deep compassion and look at those we care about when they’re angry and think;

  • “It was my actions, even though I feel I was just doing what I always do, that caused you fear.”
  • “However, it’s not really because you think I’m a terrible person but because it’s just not what you expected or where you “needed” me to be for you in that moment”

[DON’T actually say this out loud as it may further inflame the person’s inner fears.]

Side Note2; I plan on going in depth about my personal struggle with a fear of abandonment and the “lost duckling” feeling as it relates, and manifests in this way, in yet another later post…

This realization is so important on our journey to self-love for two reasons;

  1. We can only begin to really forgive ourselves when we know the real root of our actions, and;
  2. “Loving-yourself” means we won’t come to this place and see an increase in our fear in order to calm the fear of others
    • When we love ourselves first we can speak up, in a positively charged/non-confrontation way, when the fears of others cause them to request more than we (truly) feel comfortable with

I hope this was uplifting and informative!

Please let me know in the comments if anyone wants me to expand on anything I’ve said in this article.

It was a long one today so thanks for sticking it out.

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